Trusting in God's Goodness -- Part 3

As a father shows compassion to his children,

 so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him. 

For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103:13-14

The last two weeks have been the most difficult days of my life. I am honestly having a hard time remembering anything that happened before my mom went into the hospital. Memories of seeing her in the ambulance, having her admitted to the hospital, being with her when she passed out last Saturday morning, waiting through hours of surgery, crying to her as I had to leave her for the night in ICU, hearing the nurse tell us the news that she had died, have all consumed my mind. 

I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. I feel hungry, but eating puts my stomach in knots. I'm exhausted, but sleep does not come easily. I want to talk about it, but doing so frustrates me. I wake up every morning and beg God that this nightmare is over. But it never is. 

I was lying in bed Friday night, praying for the first time since Mom took her last breath, and all I could do was cry to Him. I begged Him for sleep. I begged Him to turn my mind off for just a few hours. I begged him for answers. 

I told Him this was too much. It was too hard. He was taking too much from my family. It was hurting too deeply. 

The answers I begged for never came; only this verse entered my mind. I know we're not "supposed to" get mad at God. I know we're not "supposed to" question His plan. But I kept feeling in my spirit that He was saying, "It's OK. I can take it."

The fact is, this is too much. It is too hard. I can't handle it, and He knows that. He knows my frame. He remembers that I am dust. And He doesn't expect me to handle it.

So for now, I'll keep crying to Him. I'll take comfort in knowing that He's listening. And I'll trust that He is still good.