The pain has been constant, and is often overwhelming. I find myself fighting tears several times a day. I find myself wanting to talk about you every chance I get. I find myself wanting to talk to you. I pick up my phone and expect a text from you. I pick up my phone to call you. I feel as if I lose you all over again when I realize I can't talk to you.
I don't hide my struggles well. I feel sorry for myself most of the time. I feel sorry for David, Sarah, and Josh, too. I feel sorry for Judah, Asher, and Selah. They should have you here with them.
You were so good to all of us. Our lives will always have a void where you belong. And it will never feel real that you are gone.
I love you so much; every day I realize just how much. I realize I didn't love you enough while you were here, and I would do anything to be able to let you know now what you mean to me.
I wish you were here, selfishly. I now dread future events that I should look forward to. Wedding days, births, and other milestones seem like just another mountain I'll have to climb without you.
But I trust that you are where you should be. I trust that you are Home. I trust that you are happy and perfect. I trust that you are serving Jesus alongside Dad and the other saints. And that's what gets me through. That and the knowledge that one day I will join you.
I hope that day is soon.
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