Gideon Diaries

It's no secret that I recently got a dog. Pictures and anecdotes of Gideon have taken over social media the last two months he's been with me. He's a delight, really, but anyone interested on taking on a 3 pound Pomeranian might be in for more than they bargained for. So here are some helpful tips from my experience:


1. Try not to go anywhere. Ever. Because when you come back he will be mad at you for "abandoning" him and he will poop in your house.
2. Do not give him human food. Ever. Because when you do, he will get diarrhea and he will poop in your house.
3. Try not to take him outside when it's possible that other people in the neighborhood will be outside. If he sees another person or, God forbid, another animal or, even worse, another person walking another animal, he will have a meltdown and will not poop outside. He will wait until you take him in, and then, he will poop in your house.
4. If you have a window low enough to the floor that your dog with 4 inch long legs can look out of it, try to keep it completely covered (with something the dog can't chew through... like some kind of metal), because if he sees someone, or thinks he sees someone, walking past the house, he will have a meltdown. And he just might poop in your house.
5. Try not to keep anything in his reach. I mean, anything. As I type this sentence, Gideon is barking at/trying to attack the rug by the front door. I also have a hole in one of the throw pillows on the couch, bite marks all over my hands, and I recently caught him trying to chew on the wall. This is not a joke. Don't let him near anything.
6. Don't bother trying to buy him toys thinking it will distract from the things you don't want him chewing on. He'll have no interest in anything he's actually allowed to play with. Save your money for new couch pillows or band-aids.
7. Make sure every door to every room is closed before you let him free in the house. It's never fun to find shreds of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor when you need to use it.
8. Speaking of the bathroom, when you need to go, make sure you outrun him and close the door before he can catch up to you. It's a little uncomfortable to have a dog's paws resting on your knees while you're trying to pee.
9. Don't feed your dog treats, even as a reward when he does something right. Because it will soon turn into, "Oh, you haven't barked in 5 seconds, here's a treat!" or "You haven't pooped in the house today, here's a treat!" And then, before you know it, it's become, "Oh my word, please stop chewing on my hands... just go have a treat!!!" And then he'll stop eating his dog food and only ever want to eat treats.
10. Don't talk on the phone to anyone. Or invite anyone over. Obviously if you aren't giving your dog 100% of your attention at all times, it means you don't love him. So he will find a way to get your attention, like by pooping in the house.


You may have read this post in a sarcastic tone, but that was a mistake. Unfortunately, all of these thoughts have legitimately gone through my had since I brought Gideon home. Don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but sometimes I want to put him in a box and mail him back to my cousin in Michigan (who somehow  forgot to tell me all of the tips I've passed on to you when she gave him to me...  hmm...).