I don't know what has been different about the last several days, but I have been missing my mom seemingly with every breath I take. I've wanted to talk to her more recently than I had since the first few months after her passing. I miss her every day, but lately it's more than just missing her; it's the fact that she is noticeably missing from my life that is causing me pain these days.
You would think that the holidays would be the worst, and in a sense, you'd be right. Thanksgiving seemed impossible to do without her, even as we were doing it. And now that the Christmas season is upon us, tasks that should be enjoyable, such as decorating the house and going shopping for gifts, become dreadful. But even at this time of year, it's the everydayness of everyday that's still the hardest for me. It's going through the morning without a, "I hope you have a good day" text from her. It's missing the way she would laugh when she'd get really tickled about something, or even the way she would refuse to laugh, even when something really was actually funny, just to prove a point. It's not having her around to watch movies with on the weekends. It's every moment of every day that I still remember she's gone.
Sometimes I look back on the year and wonder how I survived, how my siblings survived. And I remember waking up some days thinking that we wouldn't. Yet through her absence over these last seven months, and even through the holidays, God has shown me much about who He really is.
I had a conversation about Heaven with my older brother about four and a half weeks before Mom died. David, who is the wisest Bible scholar I know, was telling me some of his views on what will take place when all is said and done and we stand before King Jesus, and I just remember crying. When he asked what was wrong with me, I simply said, "It's just too good. He is too good." I had no idea what could come in the following months, or how fully I would come to question that statement.
Though the journey has often felt unbearable, God has shown me his great faithfulness. He's shown me that even through days of doubt, He is still the same God that caused me to cry out of His goodness. He's shown me how to survive with Him, when I felt like I had nothing else. He's shown me that He still holds firmly onto me, even when I let go of Him. He's shown me that He's still too good, because He's still the God who's saved me. He's still the God who will come back for me, and rescue me from the sorrows of this earth. He's still the God who will declare me justified when I stand before Him. And He's still the God that will bring my family together again to reign with Him in the end when He's the king of this earth. He is still too good.
I don't know what happens next. I don't now how to get through Christmas, New Years, and every other day. I don't know how to look ahead to 2014 and not wonder what I might lose. I don't know if I'll ever go through a full day where there isn't an actual, physical aching in my chest because I miss my mom that much.
But I do know that in whatever lies ahead, God will show Himself faithful and powerful, just as He has done these last months. I do know that when some days seem so much harder than others, He will carry me through each moment that I can't get through myself. I do know that when the story ends and my God proves victorious over the pain and sorrows of this life, I will stand before Him and say, "You are still too good."
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