Let Me Try Again...

As soon as I published my post last night, I could feel my heart drop. I knew it wasn't what I wanted it to be, and I just wanted to delete it. Not because there was really anything wrong with it, I didn't say anything I didn't want to say. It was more that I left so much unsaid. It's not enough to communicate that today will be hard and that I will miss my mom. I believe it is important to communicate the depth with which she will be missed.
But how can I do that? What words could I use that would ever be enough? It's not simply that I miss her and that it makes me sad; it's the fact that even moments that should be filled with nothing but joy are reminders of the fact that she's not here, and she never will be again. It's the fact that as much as I will miss her today, it's not my day, and I will have to watch my sister long for her presence even more. It's the fact that it's not just today that will be hard, but every day that lies ahead of us will be tinged with her absence. The fact that she will miss the birth of two new grandchildren, and that my sister and sister-in-law won't simply get to focus on the joy of bringing new life into the world, because they will have to miss her, too.
It's the fact that in the coming days, our family will have to endure the loss of another loved one - the fourth death in the family for my siblings and me this year alone. And it's also the fact that we won't simply be allowed to grieve that loss, because we will still be grieving the loss of Mom. That we will have to see my grandma lose her husband and know that, though she will still be well taken care of, she will miss out on letting my mom take care of her. That we will look in the kitchen knowing that she should be in there, cooking or cleaning up or talking to and encouraging her sisters and mother-in-law, but she won't be there. It won't be just one loss; it will be the loss of her all over again.
Everyday seems to bring reminders that cause us to come to terms, again, with the fact that she's no longer here. Those are hard enough, But it's the big days, like today, that the loss can seem unbearable. But these are also the days that God steps in and reminds that, though Mom is not here, He is. He has not left us alone. He has carried us through days that we didn't think we could survive, and He will continue to do so.
After I wrote my post last night, my grandma Prairie sent me this reminder: "Loss of a loved one is so dreadfully painful, it is no wonder that some people literally die with a broken heart. No, life is not fair here on earth, but it IS in heaven and He will make it up to us then for eternity." It's just like her to encourage others when she is going through so much herself. But she's right; this isn't all there is. This pain isn't forever. And I trust that God will show Himself more glorious in these pain-seared days until He can show us His full glory, for all eternity.