I'm on a bus to Nashville right now and will be flying to Anchorage, Alaska later this afternoon. I should be excited. Or at least nervous. Or something. But I'm not. The only feeling I can muster up right now is the aching in my heart; the gut wrenching knowledge that my mom should have been there to send me off this morning.
She was so excited for me to go on this trip. And I was too, at first. She had always wanted to go to Alaska, and she shared in the joy of three of her kids who had the opportunity to go. And I was excited to come home and how her pictures and tell her how much she would have loved it.
Now it all feels pointless. I feel as though I don't have the energy that this trip will require - physically, mentally, or emotionally. I feel as though I have nothing to offer to the teens going on this trip, or to those to whom we will be ministering in Alaska. I feel empty. I feel tired.
But here I am, making this journey anyway, trusting that it will be profitable. Trusting that God will supply what I need while I'm there. Trusting that He knew what would be going on in my life at this time when I signed up for this trip months ago. That He has a plan to use me, as well as teach me on this trip.
So pray for me. Pray for our team. Pray for Alaska. I know our mission is not in vain.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Dear Mom
Dear Mom,
Happy Mother's Day. If you had asked me two weeks ago, this is not how I planned on spending this day. When you went into the hospital, I decided that we should really do something special for Mother's Day. I knew you'd be out of the hospital by then and we'd be able to celebrate you however we wanted. But obviously, that didn't work out quite like I expected it to, and today was actually one of the hardest days yet.
I miss you so much, and I can't help but think of how I wanted to spend time with you today, and how I should have wanted to spend more time with you when you were here. I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry that there were so many days that I would stay in my downstairs apartment, and not even come up to say, "Hi" to you. I'm so sorry that I was so bitter that I was still living at home with you. I'm so sorry that there were so many days that I was just a downright jerk to you. I would do anything to take those things back.
However, I am so thankful for how God was working in me and changing my heart in the week and a half before your death. I'm so thankful for all the time I did get to spend with you while I stayed with you in the hospital. I'm so thankful for the talks that we had and the friendship that we developed in those last days. I'm so thankful that I saw you mouth the words, "I love you" to me as you were being taken away to surgery. I'm so thankful that during my last visit with you, you were able to just be my mom and to comfort me, and that I didn't have to be your caretaker. I'm so thankful that the last words you spoke to me were, "I'm so proud of you."
You were a gift to us, even though we didn't always realize it. You were strong, hardworking, gracious, and loving. I would do anything to be able to look into your eyes and tell you that. I love you, and I miss you more than you could have imagined, and I hope to see you soon.
Love,
Stephanie
Happy Mother's Day. If you had asked me two weeks ago, this is not how I planned on spending this day. When you went into the hospital, I decided that we should really do something special for Mother's Day. I knew you'd be out of the hospital by then and we'd be able to celebrate you however we wanted. But obviously, that didn't work out quite like I expected it to, and today was actually one of the hardest days yet.
I miss you so much, and I can't help but think of how I wanted to spend time with you today, and how I should have wanted to spend more time with you when you were here. I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry that there were so many days that I would stay in my downstairs apartment, and not even come up to say, "Hi" to you. I'm so sorry that I was so bitter that I was still living at home with you. I'm so sorry that there were so many days that I was just a downright jerk to you. I would do anything to take those things back.
However, I am so thankful for how God was working in me and changing my heart in the week and a half before your death. I'm so thankful for all the time I did get to spend with you while I stayed with you in the hospital. I'm so thankful for the talks that we had and the friendship that we developed in those last days. I'm so thankful that I saw you mouth the words, "I love you" to me as you were being taken away to surgery. I'm so thankful that during my last visit with you, you were able to just be my mom and to comfort me, and that I didn't have to be your caretaker. I'm so thankful that the last words you spoke to me were, "I'm so proud of you."
You were a gift to us, even though we didn't always realize it. You were strong, hardworking, gracious, and loving. I would do anything to be able to look into your eyes and tell you that. I love you, and I miss you more than you could have imagined, and I hope to see you soon.
Love,
Stephanie
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Trusting in God's Goodness -- Part 3
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:13-14
The last two weeks have been the most difficult days of my life. I am honestly having a hard time remembering anything that happened before my mom went into the hospital. Memories of seeing her in the ambulance, having her admitted to the hospital, being with her when she passed out last Saturday morning, waiting through hours of surgery, crying to her as I had to leave her for the night in ICU, hearing the nurse tell us the news that she had died, have all consumed my mind.
I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone. I feel hungry, but eating puts my stomach in knots. I'm exhausted, but sleep does not come easily. I want to talk about it, but doing so frustrates me. I wake up every morning and beg God that this nightmare is over. But it never is.
I was lying in bed Friday night, praying for the first time since Mom took her last breath, and all I could do was cry to Him. I begged Him for sleep. I begged Him to turn my mind off for just a few hours. I begged him for answers.
I told Him this was too much. It was too hard. He was taking too much from my family. It was hurting too deeply.
The answers I begged for never came; only this verse entered my mind. I know we're not "supposed to" get mad at God. I know we're not "supposed to" question His plan. But I kept feeling in my spirit that He was saying, "It's OK. I can take it."
The fact is, this is too much. It is too hard. I can't handle it, and He knows that. He knows my frame. He remembers that I am dust. And He doesn't expect me to handle it.
So for now, I'll keep crying to Him. I'll take comfort in knowing that He's listening. And I'll trust that He is still good.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Trusting in God's Goodness -- Part 2
If I had words, I would write them. The pain is unimaginable. It's physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. The loss is too deep. I know the words I wrote several days ago about my mother and my God are still true today. I'm unsure of everything else, but I'm sure of God's goodness.
Your prayers and messages have meant more than you can know. Please, keep them up.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Sunday Music Corner
Disclaimer: I blatantly stole the name and idea for this post from my friend, Nathaniel Haston. You can catch his version and other great posts from him, my brother David, and Jeremy Mattheiss here.
This song has been on my heart after a long day yesterday and very little sleep last night. I'm realizing very quickly that this situation with mom is out of my hands. No matter how closely I watch her, I cannot control what is going on in her body. So I am asking God to open up my eyes to what He is doing around me. To see the good that He is working out. To remind me that I'm not alone and that He's fighting for us, in this situation and in every facet of our lives.
Hope you enjoy.
This song has been on my heart after a long day yesterday and very little sleep last night. I'm realizing very quickly that this situation with mom is out of my hands. No matter how closely I watch her, I cannot control what is going on in her body. So I am asking God to open up my eyes to what He is doing around me. To see the good that He is working out. To remind me that I'm not alone and that He's fighting for us, in this situation and in every facet of our lives.
Hope you enjoy.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Trusting in God's Goodness -- An Update on Mom
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
I have to admit, this has never been my favorite verse. I would hate to say, "I don't like that verse," because I do believe that it is from the mouth of God, and it is important. However, I will say that I don't like how often this verse is taken out of context to mean "God will make any situation work out in my favor." But these days, this verse has been special to me.
Sometimes I forget that God truly has good things for me. I focus a lot on that fact that this life can be hard and full of trials, and forget the good that God intends to bring through those things. For weeks God has been bringing reminders that He is good. That He has good things for me. That the good things that come from the trials is what brings Him glory, not the trial itself. That all of this is for a purpose: to make me like Him.
And today, I am better understand why He's been bringing these reminders.
My mom had experienced two episodes of dizzy spells/vomiting since Easter. The first was suspected to be a virus, as several other family members had been sick with similar symptoms. The second was a brief experience, and was completely cleared up an hour after it had begun. Nothing was thought of it.
Tuesday night of this past week, mom and I met for dinner at Logan's after work. There was nothing abnormal about our time together; she was completely herself. After we ate and (she) paid the bill, we went our separate ways. I had told her I might stop by the tanning bed on my way home, but wasn't sure I was feeling like it, because I'm exactly the type of person who is sometimes too lazy to take the time to lie in a tanning bed and do nothing for fifteen minutes.
When I got out of the tanning bed, I noticed a missed call from her, which is nothing out of the ordinary. Then I noticed I also had a missed call from a family friend. Now this was pretty out of the ordinary. I knew something wasn't right. I called Mrs. Beth right back. "Your mom got sick again. We're on our way to Logan's." I hung up the phone, called my mom back, and told her I was on my way. I had no other information. I assumed I would pick her up from the restaurant, take her home, and talk her into making a Dr. appointment for as soon as possible. When I pulled into the parking lot though, I knew my plans would have to change.
I was greeted by an ambulance, a police officer taking another customer's insurance information, and an audience of customers and restaurant staff.
I parked my car and ran to the ambulance, where my mom was hooked up to monitors to be evaluated. She was more pale than I'd ever seen her, and soaked with sweat. She told me that as soon as she pulled out of the Logan's parking lot, she had started to feel dizzy, and knew she was going to be sick again. She pulled back into the restaurant's second entrance, passed out, and bumped into a parked car.
I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a bit when I heard this. I felt so many things at once: guilt that I hadn't been available when she needed me, thankful for those who had been around and helped her, fear of what all this meant, worry about what was going to happen. But I didn't have time to think about that in that moment. I was told to talk to the police officer and gather the information my mom would need to know about the accident. Luckily the damage was minimal, and everyone involved was friendly and much more concerned with the safety of my mom.
Our family friends, Fred and Beth, finally arrived. Mom was transported to the Emergency Room via ambulance. I followed with Fred and Beth. We made the phone calls we needed to make informing those who would first need to know the situation. Then we waited. Family members began to fill the waiting room, and we waited some more.
Eventually, we came to find out that the ER would perform a series of tests, but they would not be able to do all that the doctor had thought would be necessary. He had me step out into the hallway and advised me to have her admitted to the hospital when they had finished the tests they were able to provide. I was both relieved and concerned to hear his words. Relieved because I knew I would not be satisfied simply going home with inconclusive tests, knowing I wouldn't be able to convince my stubborn mother to go back at a later time for more testing. Concerned because of the uncertainty of what admittance to the hospital would bring.
Tuesday night seemed as though it would never end. Mom was admitted to the hospital after 2:00 AM. Sleep never really came for either of us, so Wednesday still felt like Tuesday. We waited for what felt like forever for the doctor to have her tests done. Late in the afternoon, the nurses finally took her for an MRI and an Echocardiogram. Then began the answers we'd been anticipating...
We came to find out that the Echo showed a faulty aortic valve in mom's heart. They scheduled a heart catheterization for Thursday afternoon, to confirm whether what the Echo showed was actually the case, and also to check her arteries. The waiting continued.
When the procedure was finished, the doctor finally came into the room with an update. He told us that the valve was worse than they had originally thought, and that two of mom's arteries were partially blocked. They scheduled surgery for Tuesday morning, in which they plan to completely replace the aortic valve and bypass the two arteries.
I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I'm not sure I knew what to feel at this point. The initial reaction to everything that had been going on this week was, "Why us? Why our family? Have we not experienced enough sickness and suffering? Why her? Has she not been through enough?" But God didn't seem to let those thoughts last long. Instead, He reminded me once again of the goodness He would have in store through this experience.
It's hard to accept when what is inconvenient to us turns out to be a part of God's plan. I know it was hard for my mom to accept that this hospital room is where God has her right now. And it's also hard to see the good that will come from a situation like this - a situation in which no answer is certain. But the best part is, we can trust that, not only will good come from it, but that it will be a better good than we could even pick for ourselves. We can trust that God made this plan because He knew, when all is said and done, that this is what will bring Him most glory. That this is what will make us most like Him.
The truth is, everything doesn't work out how we want it just because God loves us. The truth is, God loves us too much to let us decide how things should work out. The truth is, God has bigger and better plans for us because He is good, and He wants to grow us into believers who are like His Son.
I don't know how all of this will turn out, and of course I beg my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray on our behalf for an outcome that we would deem "good," but I choose to rest and rejoice in the knowledge that God has a perfect plan that will bring Him perfect glory; and that is the best definition of "good."
When I got out of the tanning bed, I noticed a missed call from her, which is nothing out of the ordinary. Then I noticed I also had a missed call from a family friend. Now this was pretty out of the ordinary. I knew something wasn't right. I called Mrs. Beth right back. "Your mom got sick again. We're on our way to Logan's." I hung up the phone, called my mom back, and told her I was on my way. I had no other information. I assumed I would pick her up from the restaurant, take her home, and talk her into making a Dr. appointment for as soon as possible. When I pulled into the parking lot though, I knew my plans would have to change.
I was greeted by an ambulance, a police officer taking another customer's insurance information, and an audience of customers and restaurant staff.
I parked my car and ran to the ambulance, where my mom was hooked up to monitors to be evaluated. She was more pale than I'd ever seen her, and soaked with sweat. She told me that as soon as she pulled out of the Logan's parking lot, she had started to feel dizzy, and knew she was going to be sick again. She pulled back into the restaurant's second entrance, passed out, and bumped into a parked car.
I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a bit when I heard this. I felt so many things at once: guilt that I hadn't been available when she needed me, thankful for those who had been around and helped her, fear of what all this meant, worry about what was going to happen. But I didn't have time to think about that in that moment. I was told to talk to the police officer and gather the information my mom would need to know about the accident. Luckily the damage was minimal, and everyone involved was friendly and much more concerned with the safety of my mom.
Our family friends, Fred and Beth, finally arrived. Mom was transported to the Emergency Room via ambulance. I followed with Fred and Beth. We made the phone calls we needed to make informing those who would first need to know the situation. Then we waited. Family members began to fill the waiting room, and we waited some more.
Eventually, we came to find out that the ER would perform a series of tests, but they would not be able to do all that the doctor had thought would be necessary. He had me step out into the hallway and advised me to have her admitted to the hospital when they had finished the tests they were able to provide. I was both relieved and concerned to hear his words. Relieved because I knew I would not be satisfied simply going home with inconclusive tests, knowing I wouldn't be able to convince my stubborn mother to go back at a later time for more testing. Concerned because of the uncertainty of what admittance to the hospital would bring.
Tuesday night seemed as though it would never end. Mom was admitted to the hospital after 2:00 AM. Sleep never really came for either of us, so Wednesday still felt like Tuesday. We waited for what felt like forever for the doctor to have her tests done. Late in the afternoon, the nurses finally took her for an MRI and an Echocardiogram. Then began the answers we'd been anticipating...
We came to find out that the Echo showed a faulty aortic valve in mom's heart. They scheduled a heart catheterization for Thursday afternoon, to confirm whether what the Echo showed was actually the case, and also to check her arteries. The waiting continued.
When the procedure was finished, the doctor finally came into the room with an update. He told us that the valve was worse than they had originally thought, and that two of mom's arteries were partially blocked. They scheduled surgery for Tuesday morning, in which they plan to completely replace the aortic valve and bypass the two arteries.
I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I'm not sure I knew what to feel at this point. The initial reaction to everything that had been going on this week was, "Why us? Why our family? Have we not experienced enough sickness and suffering? Why her? Has she not been through enough?" But God didn't seem to let those thoughts last long. Instead, He reminded me once again of the goodness He would have in store through this experience.
It's hard to accept when what is inconvenient to us turns out to be a part of God's plan. I know it was hard for my mom to accept that this hospital room is where God has her right now. And it's also hard to see the good that will come from a situation like this - a situation in which no answer is certain. But the best part is, we can trust that, not only will good come from it, but that it will be a better good than we could even pick for ourselves. We can trust that God made this plan because He knew, when all is said and done, that this is what will bring Him most glory. That this is what will make us most like Him.
The truth is, everything doesn't work out how we want it just because God loves us. The truth is, God loves us too much to let us decide how things should work out. The truth is, God has bigger and better plans for us because He is good, and He wants to grow us into believers who are like His Son.
I don't know how all of this will turn out, and of course I beg my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray on our behalf for an outcome that we would deem "good," but I choose to rest and rejoice in the knowledge that God has a perfect plan that will bring Him perfect glory; and that is the best definition of "good."
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Update
It's been a long year and a half. All my readers know that God has been teaching me much throughout this journey. About Himself, His Word, and mostly about patience and trust in times of waiting. I have waited for Him to move me. I have (not so patiently) begged Him to change my circumstances. To lead me somewhere. And now, I am happy to announce that He is beginning to open doors.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to make plans to go back to school this year. I applied to Chattanooga State early in the year and planned on enrolling in the one year LPN program. It seemed perfect; it was going to be my ticket out of my routine life and into the "real" world. However, after a while the excitement began to fade and turn to dread. I was nervous about starting something completely new, I realized I'd have to significantly cut back my hours at work, which made me worry about finances, and then I remembered that I don't even agree with a lot of what is taught in modern medicine. But I had to go to school. I had to find my "way out."
Then I came into contact with someone from the college I had previously attended. It reminded me of how much I missed the kinds of classes I had taken there, and I wanted another chance to take Biblically focused classes. So, almost on a whim, I contacted my adviser at BBC, told her what I was thinking, and asked her advice. Through communication with her, I realized that I had fewer credits left toward my degree than I had thought, and that it would be possible to finish my degree online while keeping all my hours at work! So, today I turned in my application for re-admittance to BBC to finish my Bachelor's in Counseling in the next year.
I'm not even sure I can describe how I feel about God leading me back here. One word that comes to mind is definitely "grateful." I can't say with certainty that I have all the answers, that I know exactly what the next step will be once my degree is completed; but I don't feel like I have to. This is where God has me now. And I know that I can trust that He'll show me what the next step is when I'm done taking this one. And I feel grateful for that.
School has not been the only area in which God has been opening doors for me lately: In June I will take a missions trip with our church youth group to Anchorage, Alaska, He's provided financially, He's brought people into my life with whom I've been able to share the gospel and what it's meant in my life.
I write this post for two reasons:
1. Because many of my readers want an update (I think).
2. As a reminder for myself. Sometimes I forget to recognize how God is working, especially during periods of waiting. Writing all of this out, seeing all that God is doing at this time in my life, is leaving me astounded.
And I can't wait to see what's next.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to make plans to go back to school this year. I applied to Chattanooga State early in the year and planned on enrolling in the one year LPN program. It seemed perfect; it was going to be my ticket out of my routine life and into the "real" world. However, after a while the excitement began to fade and turn to dread. I was nervous about starting something completely new, I realized I'd have to significantly cut back my hours at work, which made me worry about finances, and then I remembered that I don't even agree with a lot of what is taught in modern medicine. But I had to go to school. I had to find my "way out."
Then I came into contact with someone from the college I had previously attended. It reminded me of how much I missed the kinds of classes I had taken there, and I wanted another chance to take Biblically focused classes. So, almost on a whim, I contacted my adviser at BBC, told her what I was thinking, and asked her advice. Through communication with her, I realized that I had fewer credits left toward my degree than I had thought, and that it would be possible to finish my degree online while keeping all my hours at work! So, today I turned in my application for re-admittance to BBC to finish my Bachelor's in Counseling in the next year.
I'm not even sure I can describe how I feel about God leading me back here. One word that comes to mind is definitely "grateful." I can't say with certainty that I have all the answers, that I know exactly what the next step will be once my degree is completed; but I don't feel like I have to. This is where God has me now. And I know that I can trust that He'll show me what the next step is when I'm done taking this one. And I feel grateful for that.
School has not been the only area in which God has been opening doors for me lately: In June I will take a missions trip with our church youth group to Anchorage, Alaska, He's provided financially, He's brought people into my life with whom I've been able to share the gospel and what it's meant in my life.
I write this post for two reasons:
1. Because many of my readers want an update (I think).
2. As a reminder for myself. Sometimes I forget to recognize how God is working, especially during periods of waiting. Writing all of this out, seeing all that God is doing at this time in my life, is leaving me astounded.
And I can't wait to see what's next.
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