Sweatpants

I was feeling ambitious yesterday. I was ready to move forward. I was ready to take charge of my life. I was ready for change. Today I've realized that nothing has changed yet. I don't know why I thought I would wake up and everything would be different; I haven't done anything to make it different. It's been one day - what could be different already?
I feel changes in myself and I want them to be tangible already. But I guess it doesn't really work that way. I'm going to have to take baby steps. Which brings me to sweatpants. I love sweatpants. Who doesn't, right? They are so comfortable and warm, and they expand with your body when you overeat. They are perfect. Well, they are kind of perfect. You see, I have this... complex, I guess, that prevents me from being able to wear sweatpants in any other vicinity than the comfort of my own home. I work in an environment in which comfortable clothing is the preferred attire by most of the employees; sweatpants are perfectly acceptable work wear if you ask any of my coworkers. But I can't get over it - if it's not pajama day, I'm not wearing sweatpants (...did I mention I work at a daycare?).
 I actually made an attempt to wear sweatpants in public last Friday night. I went to the mall, Wal-Mart, and a movie with a friend. We had decided that this was going to be a relaxing time and we should be comfortable, so I agreed that it would be OK to wear sweatpants in public, just this once. It was not OK. The whole time I felt like people were looking at me and planning to nominate me for What Not to Wear. I felt the need to explain to every one of them - total strangers - the reason I was wearing such an outfit. I felt like I should have been heading to bed, not out in public.
I don't know why I'm like this. No one sat me down as a child to explain to me that one should never wear lounge-wear in front of one's peers. Actually, I think most of my friends and family have quite the opposite perspective and wouldn't even notice if I wore sweatpants to the mall.
Obviously, this isn't just about sweatpants. It's about getting over my need to control what people think of me. I love to look nice. I always will. I love to wear cute clothes and fix my hair and wear make up. And there's nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong with the obsession I've developed to maintain the image I think people expect to have of me. Especially since the fact of the matter is that no one cares what I wear or whether or not I'm wearing make up.
So maybe this is a simple answer. Maybe sweatpants are an easy outward manifestation of my inward changes. Maybe I'll even wear them to work tomorrow...
Baby steps, right?

Day 1

Ok. So here goes something I've wanted to start for a while. Something that makes me equally nervous and excited.  My life has been full of some pretty big changes recently - the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, and what seemed like the loss of a future. But I'm starting to realize that these losses have prompted what is beginning to feel like the prime time of my life. It is time for me to finally take charge of my life, and that is what this blog will document. I have begun a list of goals for my life that I am going to accomplish starting today. There is nothing holding me back from determining what I want for my life and making it happen. I have held back for far too long. I have lived my life consumed by what I think others want from me, by fear of not being perfect. And I can't do it anymore. It is so freeing to think that this is my life. That it's OK if it doesn't meet everyone's approval. That I don't have to be perfect.
So here goes nothing. A journey that is sure to be an interesting one, at least. It will consist of plenty of random thoughts, hopes, dreams, and whatever else I feel like sharing. I'm excited! And I'm celebrating day 1.