And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
I have to admit, this has never been my favorite verse. I would hate to say, "I don't like that verse," because I do believe that it is from the mouth of God, and it is important. However, I will say that I don't like how often this verse is taken out of context to mean "God will make any situation work out in my favor." But these days, this verse has been special to me.
Sometimes I forget that God truly has good things for me. I focus a lot on that fact that this life can be hard and full of trials, and forget the good that God intends to bring through those things. For weeks God has been bringing reminders that He is good. That He has good things for me. That the good things that come from the trials is what brings Him glory, not the trial itself. That all of this is for a purpose: to make me like Him.
And today, I am better understand why He's been bringing these reminders.
My mom had experienced two episodes of dizzy spells/vomiting since Easter. The first was suspected to be a virus, as several other family members had been sick with similar symptoms. The second was a brief experience, and was completely cleared up an hour after it had begun. Nothing was thought of it.
Tuesday night of this past week, mom and I met for dinner at Logan's after work. There was nothing abnormal about our time together; she was completely herself. After we ate and (she) paid the bill, we went our separate ways. I had told her I might stop by the tanning bed on my way home, but wasn't sure I was feeling like it, because I'm exactly the type of person who is sometimes too lazy to take the time to lie in a tanning bed and do nothing for fifteen minutes.
When I got out of the tanning bed, I noticed a missed call from her, which is nothing out of the ordinary. Then I noticed I also had a missed call from a family friend. Now this was pretty out of the ordinary. I knew something wasn't right. I called Mrs. Beth right back. "Your mom got sick again. We're on our way to Logan's." I hung up the phone, called my mom back, and told her I was on my way. I had no other information. I assumed I would pick her up from the restaurant, take her home, and talk her into making a Dr. appointment for as soon as possible. When I pulled into the parking lot though, I knew my plans would have to change.
I was greeted by an ambulance, a police officer taking another customer's insurance information, and an audience of customers and restaurant staff.
I parked my car and ran to the ambulance, where my mom was hooked up to monitors to be evaluated. She was more pale than I'd ever seen her, and soaked with sweat. She told me that as soon as she pulled out of the Logan's parking lot, she had started to feel dizzy, and knew she was going to be sick again. She pulled back into the restaurant's second entrance, passed out, and bumped into a parked car.
I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a bit when I heard this. I felt so many things at once: guilt that I hadn't been available when she needed me, thankful for those who had been around and helped her, fear of what all this meant, worry about what was going to happen. But I didn't have time to think about that in that moment. I was told to talk to the police officer and gather the information my mom would need to know about the accident. Luckily the damage was minimal, and everyone involved was friendly and much more concerned with the safety of my mom.
Our family friends, Fred and Beth, finally arrived. Mom was transported to the Emergency Room via ambulance. I followed with Fred and Beth. We made the phone calls we needed to make informing those who would first need to know the situation. Then we waited. Family members began to fill the waiting room, and we waited some more.
Eventually, we came to find out that the ER would perform a series of tests, but they would not be able to do all that the doctor had thought would be necessary. He had me step out into the hallway and advised me to have her admitted to the hospital when they had finished the tests they were able to provide. I was both relieved and concerned to hear his words. Relieved because I knew I would not be satisfied simply going home with inconclusive tests, knowing I wouldn't be able to convince my stubborn mother to go back at a later time for more testing. Concerned because of the uncertainty of what admittance to the hospital would bring.
Tuesday night seemed as though it would never end. Mom was admitted to the hospital after 2:00 AM. Sleep never really came for either of us, so Wednesday still felt like Tuesday. We waited for what felt like forever for the doctor to have her tests done. Late in the afternoon, the nurses finally took her for an MRI and an Echocardiogram. Then began the answers we'd been anticipating...
We came to find out that the Echo showed a faulty aortic valve in mom's heart. They scheduled a heart catheterization for Thursday afternoon, to confirm whether what the Echo showed was actually the case, and also to check her arteries. The waiting continued.
When the procedure was finished, the doctor finally came into the room with an update. He told us that the valve was worse than they had originally thought, and that two of mom's arteries were partially blocked. They scheduled surgery for Tuesday morning, in which they plan to completely replace the aortic valve and bypass the two arteries.
I can't speak for the rest of my family, but I'm not sure I knew what to feel at this point. The initial reaction to everything that had been going on this week was, "Why us? Why our family? Have we not experienced enough sickness and suffering? Why her? Has she not been through enough?" But God didn't seem to let those thoughts last long. Instead, He reminded me once again of the goodness He would have in store through this experience.
It's hard to accept when what is inconvenient to us turns out to be a part of God's plan. I know it was hard for my mom to accept that this hospital room is where God has her right now. And it's also hard to see the good that will come from a situation like this - a situation in which no answer is certain. But the best part is, we can trust that, not only will good come from it, but that it will be a better good than we could even pick for ourselves. We can trust that God made this plan because He knew, when all is said and done, that this is what will bring Him most glory. That this is what will make us most like Him.
The truth is, everything doesn't work out how we want it just because God loves us. The truth is, God loves us too much to let us decide how things should work out. The truth is, God has bigger and better plans for us because He is good, and He wants to grow us into believers who are like His Son.
I don't know how all of this will turn out, and of course I beg my brothers and sisters in Christ to pray on our behalf for an outcome that we would deem "good," but I choose to rest and rejoice in the knowledge that God has a perfect plan that will bring Him perfect glory; and that is the best definition of "good."
