Time to Look Back

When I started this blog I had plans. I had goals. Want to know how many of those goals I've accomplished...? Roughly zero.

Don't get me wrong - this past year-ish has been the best for me, spiritually speaking. I have grown closer to my God than I knew was possible, and I am enjoying knowing Him more everyday. And I'm very thankful for that.

However, it's not quite what I had in mind. I had several personal goals, many of which I thought I would have accomplished by now. I mean, let's face it, I haven't even kept up with this blog the way I had anticipated. Furthermore, I haven't moved out of my mom's house, I haven't traveled, I haven't run a marathon... Well, I haven't run a marathon yet.
That's right - today I became one step closer to actually achieving one of my goals; I signed up for a marathon training class and plan on registering for the Chattanooga 4 Bridges Half Marathon this Fall.
I have never done anything like this before. First of all, it's a training class, in which I will not know a soul. Second, I will not only be sitting in a class with these strangers, but actually running with them. And finally, I will be running 13.1 miles. 13.1... Miles... That's a lot.
This is a big step for me, and one I am excited to take. I am looking forward to meeting new people and challenging myself physically and mentally. Who knows where this adventure could take me! Let's hope, at the very least, it will lead to more frequent blog entries...
It turns out, the title of this blog isn't as profound as I thought it would be when I came up with it. While it is not helpful to look back to the past and cling to its regrets, it can be necessary to look back to see how far one has come (or in this case, how far one has not come).
So I say it's time to look back, even if only briefly. It's time for fresh motivation and for new goals. It's time to run a half marathon!

50 Shades of Black or White

I went to see the Nicholas Sparks movie "The Lucky One" the other day. As a girl, I have to admit I kind of love movies like that. A hot lead actor, an unlikely love story, a happy ending... what's not to love?
The problem is I always end up with horrible negative feelings after I watch romance flicks. I'm filled with jealousy that I haven't experienced such a love story. I'm filled with bitterness that men in my life haven't been the way they are in these movies. I'm filled with loneliness because I'm always reminded that I'm alone while this super thin, beautiful woman is with this super hot, awesome guy. It's really annoying.
The thing is, though, these love stories are made up, and leave us longing after things that don't actually exist. And it's not healthy.
The Bible tells us to guard our hearts, but we are bombarded by this stuff all the time. Almost every television show, every movie, and every book include love scenes that leave us wanting more for our love lives. It's no wonder so many people engage in premarital sex with multiple partners and why so many marriages fail; it is ingrained in us that our perfect mate is out there, and we are continually disappointed when we find our mates to be anything but perfect.
As Christians, we need to be aware of the problem, and proactive in finding a remedy. We teach our young men to be cautious about what they put in front of their eyes. We teach them that temptation is everywhere and to keep their guards up.
I believe that we need to teach the same things to our girls. We need to teach them the importance of protecting their emotions by avoiding movies, TV shows, and books that open up desires which have no business being opened until marriage. And we need to take responsibility for what we put in front of our own eyes and for what we allow to enter into our minds.
As a teenager I was taught that issues such as what movies we watched or what books we read were neither black nor white, but rather gray areas for which individuals could choose what affected them based on their personal struggles. I disagree. I think we are all vulnerable to dissatisfaction in some area of our lives when we open ourselves up to these fantasies.
We need to be careful. We need to take it seriously. We need to guard our hearts, because that's what determines the course of our lives.

For My Niece (Things I learned from the delivery room)

Sometimes God gives us gifts that are difficult, but that does not mean they are not gifts. Selah's entrance into this world was not an easy one. It was long and dramatic (those of you who know her mother are not surprised by this). It was a gift that was not exempt from pain and even heartache, but it was, in fact, a gift.
As Sarah's labor progressed, we knew good things would come of it (babies typically do come from these things), but it was hard. It was hard to see Sarah in that kind of pain. It was hard to know that the pain wasn't coming to an end anytime soon. It was hard to imagine that Selah would be so wonderful that we wouldn't remember the experience for the pain, but for the reward.
Life is kind of like that, for those who follow God. Sometimes He gives us trials that seem unbearable. But the end result... is greater than we could possibly imagine. Because the end result is life. Life that goes on. Somehow His promises are proved true and He is proved faithful.
We never realize this during the hard part, even when we try. But He is here. He walks us through. And he showers us with unfathomable goodness.
Selah is a miracle. God chose this time to bless Tim and Sarah. He gave them a wonderful pregnancy. But as we awaited her arrival in the delivery room, we understood the hard part. This gift wasn't perfect or how we would have chosen it to be.
Selah arrived via C-section late Friday night, after a long and grueling labor. We wanted a natural birth. We wanted to share the experience together as sisters, along with our mom and Tim's. We understood this was a gift, but could not deny that it was a trial.
When I saw Selah for the first time though, I kind of understood. I saw a glimpse of the reward - of the life that goes on. And of God's greatness that I can't fully understand.

Sometimes

Sometimes, life is just hard. Sometimes God has more for us than we can see. Sometimes what He has for us hurts.
Sometimes, I have to trust that God is God; and if I could understand Him, He wouldn't be God. Sometimes I wish I could just tell God my plans and He would just make them happen. But it doesn't work that way - because He is God.
Sometimes regret takes over, and I don't know what to do with it. But God proves faithful. Sometimes trusting God feels risky, because I don't know what He's going to do with my hopes and dreams, but it is never truly risky. Somehow He proves rewarding.
Sometimes I can't see the reward, and I fear that the reward will not turn out to be the one I asked for. But God is God.
Sometimes I have to remind myself what it is to live in a manner in which grace and mercy reign in my life. When sin wants to take over (which is more than sometimes), I remember what God gave up for me.
Sometimes I fail. Sometimes I give in to what is comfortable - what I feel like I deserve. But then I remember grace.
God is God. And God is good. I will never understand. But I am comforted by this.
God is God. And God is good. And sometimes, in my weakness, I see that that is enough.
God is God. And God is good. Not just sometimes, but always.

Idols

I've been working with the junior high girls in the youth group at my church for the last several weeks. This last Wednesday I spoke on idols we cling to even when trying to worship God. Needless to say, it's been a very convicting topic.
I can't help but think of the "life changes" I seem to keep writing about. None of the changes I've wanted to make are bad ones - I planned on moving out of my mom's house, improving my social life, and several other similar changes, none of which have occurred yet. During these last few months of desired changes, I have also longed for a deeper and truer relationship with God; I have truly sought to worship Him. But as I told my junior high girls, I have realized that longing is not enough.
Second Kings 17:38-41 tells of men who continued to worship idols, even while they worshiped God. I had never acknowledged the possibility of worshiping my idols and God at the same time, but lately I have realized that that is exactly what I've been doing. While the hope of change I've had is not wrong - and may even prove beneficial - I must admit that it has become an idol in my life.
I desire these changes so much that I am not content with my life now. I have become bitter that my life isn't currently what I want it to be and it is causing me to lose sight of the relationship I could have with my God. When I seek the change, I forget to seek God with my whole heart.
So this is where the rubber meets the road, though I confess I'm not sure what to do about it. When speaking to the girls Wednesday, I taught that the answer is in the gospel. I wholeheartedly believe that if I fully trusted the gospel - that the blood of Jesus was enough to cover my sin, and His resurrection gives me hope of life in Him - then I will no longer hold on to idols. I believe that if I remind myself daily (honestly, multiple times a day) of what God's Son did for me, I won't need my idols.
The problem I have is this: I still believe that the changes I've desired are important, and that goals such as the ones I've made are healthy. How do I maintain a balance of seeking God with my whole heart yet still seeking the changes I believe I need?
I think the best thing I can do at this point is listen to my own advice and find the answer in the gospel. When I am living every moment in the realization that Jesus, the Son of God, died in my place, to take away my sin, and rose again, I will grow closer to Him and His will. I will be satisfied in Him in all circumstances, yet I will look for what He has for my future.
It's not easy, and it's not always fun to let go of idols. It's hard and it takes practice. But to know that the gospel is not only enough to satisfy the wrath of God that my sinful soul deserves, but also to satisfy any longing of my heart, is comforting in ways that make me excited to further understand. So goodbye idols; I look forward to no longer needing you.  

20 Seconds...

I just watched "We Bought a Zoo." Great movie. In it, there was a line I can't get out of my head: "Sometimes in life you just need twenty seconds of insane courage - literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery - and I promise you, great things will come from it."
Something big was going to happen tonight. My life was going to change. I had all these plans. I knew where my life was going. But then everything changed, and now none of that is happening.
The last year, although the most spiritually rewarding of my life, has also been the hardest. I have experienced loss in ways that have almost broken me. I lost the change, the plans, the direction. And I can honestly say that I am grateful for where that loss has led me; but I cannot say that I am grateful that I had to experience it to get here.
And the thing is, I'm not even sure where "here" is. While I have come to experience God in a whole new way - something I truly cherish beyond words - I still find myself emotionally and mentally lost, staring into my future blindly. And that is hard. It's hard to erase plans and be left with a blank page and no way of filling it.
And I'm terrified. But I'm holding on to my twenty seconds of insane courage. My twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery. I can feel that I'm going to need it very soon. And I pray that great things really will come from it.