Dear Mom (2)

I miss you so much more than I know how to say. I miss you every minute of every day. It's as if a part of my own self has died with you. 

The pain has been constant, and is often overwhelming. I find myself fighting tears several times a day. I find myself wanting to talk about you every chance I get. I find myself wanting to talk to you. I pick up my phone and expect a text from you. I pick up my phone to call you. I feel as if I lose you all over again when I realize I can't talk to you.

I don't hide my struggles well. I feel sorry for myself most of the time. I feel sorry for David, Sarah, and Josh, too. I feel sorry for Judah, Asher, and Selah. They should have you here with them. 

You were so good to all of us. Our lives will always have a void where you belong. And it will never feel real that you are gone. 

I love you so much; every day I realize just how much. I realize I didn't love you enough while you were here, and I would do anything to be able to let you know now what you mean to me. 

I wish you were here, selfishly.  I now dread future events that I should look forward to. Wedding days, births, and other milestones seem like just another mountain I'll have to climb without you.  

But I trust that you are where you should be. I trust that you are Home. I trust that you are happy and perfect. I trust that you are serving Jesus alongside Dad and the other saints. And that's what gets me through. That and the knowledge that one day I will join you.

I hope that day is soon. 

Alaska

Despite the pain associated with going on this trip that I expressed in my last post, I loved Alaska. I knew I would; I knew that I was dreading it without cause and that it would turn out to be a good trip. But it was far better than I ever could have expected.

First of all, Alaska is the most beautiful place on earth. The views never got old. The mountains were never any less breathtaking. I was never any less fascinated that the sun shone at all hours.

The view from my window the night I arrived. Taken at 1:00 AM.

Various views of Alaska

 I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to see such beautiful aspects of God's creation. That He opened my eyes to the fact that He is bigger, more powerful, and more beautiful than I knew.

We spent our days ministering to children in a local park. We brought them lunch, played games with them, taught them about Jesus, made crafts with them, loved on them, and let them love on us. I will never forget the time I spent with those kids.

I loved almost everything about Alaska, but that doesn't mean it was easy to be there. It was hard to come back from the park at the end of the day and know that I couldn't call my mom. I longed to tell her about everything I had seen, the people I had met, the work we had been doing, and what I was learning. I knew she would have loved to hear about the trip. I knew she would have texted me every day that I was there. I felt her absence more strongly while I was there. I missed her more than ever.

It was hard to remember all that I would have to face when I went back home. Bills, decisions, etc. It was hard to know that when I left Alaska, real life would go on.
There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't feel as emotionally tired as I felt physically. But there also wasn't a day that went by that God didn't give me what I needed for that day. There wasn't a day that went by that He didn't remind me of the importance of my mission. That no matter what I'm going through, my mission is the same. It's always just as important, whether I feel like I can do it or not. And that I can't do it on my own. That I can only give from what He has given to me, and that He will sustain me to accomplish the mission that He has given me.
I can't wait to go back.

Alaska Bound

I'm on a bus to Nashville right now and will be flying to Anchorage, Alaska later this afternoon. I should be excited. Or at least nervous. Or something. But I'm not. The only feeling I can muster up right now is the aching in my heart; the gut wrenching knowledge that my mom should have been there to send me off this morning.
She was so excited for me to go on this trip. And I was too, at first. She had always wanted to go to Alaska, and she shared in the joy of three of her kids who had the opportunity to go. And I was excited to come home and how her pictures and tell her how much she would have loved it.
Now it all feels pointless. I feel as though I don't have the energy that this trip will require - physically, mentally, or emotionally. I feel as though I have nothing to offer to the teens going on this trip, or to those to whom we will be ministering in Alaska. I feel empty. I feel tired.
But here I am, making this journey anyway, trusting that it will be profitable. Trusting that God will supply what I need while I'm there. Trusting that He knew what would be going on in my life at this time when I signed up for this trip months ago. That He has a plan to use me, as well as teach me on this trip.
So pray for me. Pray for our team. Pray for Alaska. I know our mission is not in vain.