I have been considering this blog makeover for quite some time now. When I first started this blog, I had a specific purpose in mind. I didn't take much time considering the layout, the background, or anything aesthetic, for that matter. I just wanted to write.
Not just about anything, though; about me. About my life and where I wanted it to go. I was living in a state of regret at the time, and I was tired of it. I had just dropped out of college, broken up with my fiance, and was more spiritually confused than I had ever been. I didn't know specifically where I wanted my life to go, but I knew I wanted it to go forward. Hence the name, "No Looking Back."
However, as I quickly learned, sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward. The month or so following the start of my blog was a whirlwind for me, at least emotionally. I was searching for meaning in my life, and hoped to find it in independence. I wanted to make my own choices. To do what I wanted to do. To go where I wanted to go. Yet no matter how hard I tried to accomplish those things, I still couldn't get my life to fall into place.
I begged God for answers, even though I knew what they were. I knew so much about God - I started going to church when I was three days old; I spent six years at Christian school; I went to Bible college, for crying out loud. I knew it all. But I also knew that it didn't mean anything to me. I knew it wasn't real in my life. And I was begging God to make it real.
And one night, He did. I had stayed up late several nights in a row, reading my Bible and journaling prayers, and this night was no different. I remember crying as I asked God to give me a faith that meant something; that impassioned me no matter what the consequences. I wanted an experience like Saul on the road to Damascus. I wanted to be blinded by Jesus. I remember just writing over and over again, "I want Jesus. I want Jesus. I want Jesus."
And then it clicked. I don't know how else to explain it. Everything I knew about salvation was suddenly real for me. Applied to me. I knew I was covered by the blood of Christ at that moment. I knew I had been forgiven, and given a totally new life.
My life didn't change all at once, though. I kind of expected it too. I was still searching for meaning in other places - relationships, jobs, an apartment. Anything that would get me out of the physical situation I had been in. I think that's why writing was so hard for me last year. I was stuck in this transition period and I didn't know how to express it. My blogs never turned out how I wanted them. They were all either too wrapped up in myself or came across too "preachy." I didn't like most of what I was writing, so I just stopped writing.
So far, 2013 has been a little different. As all my readers know, not much has changed regarding my physical situation. No new job, relationship status, or living arrangements to report. But my heart has changed. I can tell that I have grown. I am not the same person I was when I started this blog. I can tell that God is working in me, and I know that that is worth sharing.
Thus, the blog makeover. As I mentioned, I have learned that in order to move forward, it is necessary to look back at times. Obviously I don't want to dwell in a state of looking toward the past, but I also don't want to be so caught up in looking toward the future that I forget to learn from where I've been. Therefore, the title, "No Looking Back" no longer seems relevant.
Instead, I have chosen the name, "Not My Own," from 1 Corinthians 6:19. No matter what phase of life I am in, this will always be my identity. Whether looking forward or back, I can take comfort in the truth that I am not my own; what I have done has been paid for, and what has yet to be done in me will be for God's glory.
The content of the blog will remain the same as it's been as of late. This is my blog. It's my story. I hope to continue to write about the things I'm learning - all in light of the fact that I am not my own. I have been bought with a price. I will glorify God.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Our Mission
We are called to do the difficult. We are called to do the dangerous. We are called to do the "I can't do that" and the "Surely God won't send me there!" We are called to do the uncomfortable, and even the "I don't want to do that." We are called to do more than we think we can do... And more than our friends and families will think we should do. We are called to make our Savior known, at any cost. This is our mission; how seriously are we willing to take it?
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I'm Not Home Yet...
Please don't think me morbid for writing on this topic, but I've been thinking a lot about about the end of life lately...(insert pause for those who want to stop reading here).
I admit, this is an odd topic for someone my age; I don't know many 23 year olds who spend as much time pondering death and eternity as I do. But I must also acknowledge that I don't know many people my age who have experienced death around them as frequently as I have in my lifetime.
I wrote the other day on my longing for the return of Christ, and there is some aspect of that I may reiterate here, but my main focus for tonight is not so much Heaven. Rather, my thoughts are more inclined toward life and its end.
Everyone's life comes to an end at some point.Obviously, we all know this is true, yet I know few people who actually live in the reality of that truth. For example, I lead a small group of high school girls on Wednesday nights. Last week we spent some time discussing the mysteries of the rapture and one girl provided this insight: "I really just want to live to be about 99 years old, and then, the night before I were to die, I want Jesus to come back!" Another girl mentioned, "If I could just grow up, go to college, get married, have some kids, and watch them grow up a little bit, then I would be excited for the rapture."
This is not just the attitude of 14 year old girls, either. I know several people who have been married and had kids who still feel as if there are more life events that they want to experience before the return of Christ. And especially before death.
Now, I am not implying that young teens should begin planning the end of their lives. But the point is just that - it's impossible to plan the end of life! None of us know anything about when we'll hear the trumpet sound, or when we'll take our last breath. My grandfather was given two months to live - roughly two weeks later, we were at his funeral. My brother David, who is far wiser than I, tweeted shortly thereafter, "All of us are potentially within a week of our funeral. May we not waste our lives." While we shouldn't live in fear of that knowledge, leery of any possible danger lurking around every corner, we should live soberly, knowing that at any moment, we could be called to meet our Savior.
How, then, should we live? Worshipfully. Which I don't think is a word, but go with it.
If there is one thing I have learned in the last year, and trust me, there's way more than one, it's that God has me where I am in my life for one ultimate purpose - to make me more like Christ. No matter what I feel, or how difficult what I'm going through is, I can live in the knowledge that God is bringing me through this life so that I may one day be like His Son. And living in that knowledge, in the knowledge of not only what Christ has done for me, but also what He is presently doing for me, content in what He's doing in me now and looking for where He will lead me next, is what I think it means to live worshipfully.
From my perspective, death is not to be feared. Yes, at the very least the fact that death is unknown is scary. But life is also unknown. And I actually find death comforting. Not in a suicidal, "this life is awful and I want it to end," manner. But it just feels like going home. It feels like an honor to be called into the presence of Christ. And while I cherish this chapter on Earth, my soul truly longs for the next chapter in Heaven. To once again borrow from the wisdom of my older brother, it feels like the family reunion is coming. And I, for one, cannot wait.
So here's my prayer - that no matter when Christ comes or I take my final breath, whether tonight or 70 years from now, that I will be found in a state of worship. That I will, at all times, give in to the goodness of God, and the good things He has for me. That death will simply be a transition of one breath of worship to the next. That Christ's return will simply invoke a conversion of my earthly worship to a far greater heavenly one. And that I will live in awareness that this is not my home, and in anticipation of arriving home at any moment.
I admit, this is an odd topic for someone my age; I don't know many 23 year olds who spend as much time pondering death and eternity as I do. But I must also acknowledge that I don't know many people my age who have experienced death around them as frequently as I have in my lifetime.
I wrote the other day on my longing for the return of Christ, and there is some aspect of that I may reiterate here, but my main focus for tonight is not so much Heaven. Rather, my thoughts are more inclined toward life and its end.
Everyone's life comes to an end at some point.Obviously, we all know this is true, yet I know few people who actually live in the reality of that truth. For example, I lead a small group of high school girls on Wednesday nights. Last week we spent some time discussing the mysteries of the rapture and one girl provided this insight: "I really just want to live to be about 99 years old, and then, the night before I were to die, I want Jesus to come back!" Another girl mentioned, "If I could just grow up, go to college, get married, have some kids, and watch them grow up a little bit, then I would be excited for the rapture."
This is not just the attitude of 14 year old girls, either. I know several people who have been married and had kids who still feel as if there are more life events that they want to experience before the return of Christ. And especially before death.
Now, I am not implying that young teens should begin planning the end of their lives. But the point is just that - it's impossible to plan the end of life! None of us know anything about when we'll hear the trumpet sound, or when we'll take our last breath. My grandfather was given two months to live - roughly two weeks later, we were at his funeral. My brother David, who is far wiser than I, tweeted shortly thereafter, "All of us are potentially within a week of our funeral. May we not waste our lives." While we shouldn't live in fear of that knowledge, leery of any possible danger lurking around every corner, we should live soberly, knowing that at any moment, we could be called to meet our Savior.
How, then, should we live? Worshipfully. Which I don't think is a word, but go with it.
If there is one thing I have learned in the last year, and trust me, there's way more than one, it's that God has me where I am in my life for one ultimate purpose - to make me more like Christ. No matter what I feel, or how difficult what I'm going through is, I can live in the knowledge that God is bringing me through this life so that I may one day be like His Son. And living in that knowledge, in the knowledge of not only what Christ has done for me, but also what He is presently doing for me, content in what He's doing in me now and looking for where He will lead me next, is what I think it means to live worshipfully.
From my perspective, death is not to be feared. Yes, at the very least the fact that death is unknown is scary. But life is also unknown. And I actually find death comforting. Not in a suicidal, "this life is awful and I want it to end," manner. But it just feels like going home. It feels like an honor to be called into the presence of Christ. And while I cherish this chapter on Earth, my soul truly longs for the next chapter in Heaven. To once again borrow from the wisdom of my older brother, it feels like the family reunion is coming. And I, for one, cannot wait.
So here's my prayer - that no matter when Christ comes or I take my final breath, whether tonight or 70 years from now, that I will be found in a state of worship. That I will, at all times, give in to the goodness of God, and the good things He has for me. That death will simply be a transition of one breath of worship to the next. That Christ's return will simply invoke a conversion of my earthly worship to a far greater heavenly one. And that I will live in awareness that this is not my home, and in anticipation of arriving home at any moment.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Feelings
I'm an emotional person. I'm sentimental. I miss people when they're not around - even if only for a short time. I feel a lot.
I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel love. I feel whatever.
Feelings are not bad. They are a gift, and proof that God Himself feels, as we are made in His image. Feelings are not unimportant nuisances that should be ignored. However, nor should they dictate the way we live.
I have found that if I put my focus on my feelings, they become my truth. Unfortunately, my feelings are not always accurately lined up with real, biblical truth.
If I feel lonely, I distance myself from others, for fear that they don't want to be around me anyway.
If I feel sad, I tend to feel sad for days at a time, wallowing in the fact that nothing seems to go the way I plan or think it should go.
If I feel love, I feel it deeply. I get caught up in it as if nothing else matters.
The truth is though, that whether or not I feel lonely, I am never alone. Yes, we are created as relational beings. It benefits us to have a friend "with skin on." But no matter my physical circumstances, God has promised to be my friend. To listen when I talk. To know the yearnings of my heart when I don't know how to express them. And the truth is, if He intended me to have relationships, He will bring along those relationships. He never meant for me to be alone - physically or spiritually. But He does mean for me to be fully content in His presence alone.
The truth is, God has given me the joy of salvation. Sadness is just a feeling, not a state of being. No matter what else is going on around me, I should be able to remember the price that's been paid for me, and rejoice. Bad things happen. People let us down. Loved ones pass away. BUT... I have been saved! Nothing should mean more than that.
The truth is, love is not a feeling; it is an action. Love is knowing the what Christ accomplished for me, and desperately longing for others to know it. Love is so much more than wanting to be with someone, and wanting that someone to want to be with you. Love is an appreciation for the gospel, in every aspect of life. Love is a willingness to lay your own life down for another person. God is love.
It is a choice to let feelings dominate actions. It is a choice to remain in a certain state of emotion. It is a choice to know the truth, but not to live according to it. And it is a sin.
God intended me to feel. But He also intended to be bigger than my feelings. God doesn't say, "I will never leave you nor forsake you, except when you're on my nerves." God doesn't claim that His joy is our strength, except when we feel weak. God doesn't say, "There is no greater love than one who lays down his life for someone who we deem worth it." God doesn't base truth on our feelings.
Truth is truth. And I am called to live in truth.
I feel lonely. I feel sad. I feel love. I feel whatever.
Feelings are not bad. They are a gift, and proof that God Himself feels, as we are made in His image. Feelings are not unimportant nuisances that should be ignored. However, nor should they dictate the way we live.
I have found that if I put my focus on my feelings, they become my truth. Unfortunately, my feelings are not always accurately lined up with real, biblical truth.
If I feel lonely, I distance myself from others, for fear that they don't want to be around me anyway.
If I feel sad, I tend to feel sad for days at a time, wallowing in the fact that nothing seems to go the way I plan or think it should go.
If I feel love, I feel it deeply. I get caught up in it as if nothing else matters.
The truth is though, that whether or not I feel lonely, I am never alone. Yes, we are created as relational beings. It benefits us to have a friend "with skin on." But no matter my physical circumstances, God has promised to be my friend. To listen when I talk. To know the yearnings of my heart when I don't know how to express them. And the truth is, if He intended me to have relationships, He will bring along those relationships. He never meant for me to be alone - physically or spiritually. But He does mean for me to be fully content in His presence alone.
The truth is, God has given me the joy of salvation. Sadness is just a feeling, not a state of being. No matter what else is going on around me, I should be able to remember the price that's been paid for me, and rejoice. Bad things happen. People let us down. Loved ones pass away. BUT... I have been saved! Nothing should mean more than that.
The truth is, love is not a feeling; it is an action. Love is knowing the what Christ accomplished for me, and desperately longing for others to know it. Love is so much more than wanting to be with someone, and wanting that someone to want to be with you. Love is an appreciation for the gospel, in every aspect of life. Love is a willingness to lay your own life down for another person. God is love.
It is a choice to let feelings dominate actions. It is a choice to remain in a certain state of emotion. It is a choice to know the truth, but not to live according to it. And it is a sin.
God intended me to feel. But He also intended to be bigger than my feelings. God doesn't say, "I will never leave you nor forsake you, except when you're on my nerves." God doesn't claim that His joy is our strength, except when we feel weak. God doesn't say, "There is no greater love than one who lays down his life for someone who we deem worth it." God doesn't base truth on our feelings.
Truth is truth. And I am called to live in truth.
Hebrews 9:28
"So Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin, but to save those who are eagerly waiting for Him." --Hebrews 9:28
I came across this verse a few days ago, and haven't been able to get it out of my head. I find myself rejoicing in this truth... Longing for its hastening.
I love that Christ no longer has to come to deal with sin. It's been dealt with. It's done.
I love that even though we've experienced salvation, we've only experienced an aspect of it - there's so much more to come!
I love that the Church is described as "eagerly waiting for Him." I used to be fearful at the thought of the rapture and end times. But I'm not anymore. The older I get, the less the things I thought mattered matter. I always wanted to get married and have kids before Christ took me home. But I know now that, even though I still desire those things, that is not the true longing of my heart; the longing of my heart is to be rescued, and that will only come to completion when I am in the actual presence of my Savior.
I love that this world isn't all there is, and one day, I will be in the actual presence of my Savior.
Even so, come Lord Jesus.
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