Christmas - His Birth was Just the Beginning...

From Matthew 1:18-23; Colossians 1:15-17, 19-22; 1 Peter 2:24; Matthew 28:19-20; Hebrews 9:28; Revelation 21:1, 3-5; 22:20

Now the birth of Jesus Christ took place in this way. When His mother, Mary had been betrothed to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child from the Holy Spirit. And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He shall save His people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: "Behold, a virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel" (which means God with us).
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by Him all things were created... all things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. For in Him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through Him to reconcile to Himself all things.. Making peace by the blood of His cross.
And you, who were once alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before Him.
He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His wounds you have been healed.
Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age... And He will appear a second time, not to deal with sin, but to save those who are eagerly waiting for Him.
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth... Behold the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away... "Behold, I am making all things new... These words are trustworthy and true."
He who testifies to these things says, "Surely, I am coming soon."
Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!

Trusting in God's Goodness -- Getting through the Everyday

I don't know what has been different about the last several days, but I have been missing my mom seemingly with every breath I take. I've wanted to talk to her more recently than I had since the first few months after her passing. I miss her every day, but lately it's more than just missing her; it's the fact that she is noticeably missing from my life that is causing me pain these days.
You would think that the holidays would be the worst, and in a sense, you'd be right. Thanksgiving seemed impossible to do without her, even as we were doing it. And now that the Christmas season is upon us, tasks that should be enjoyable, such as decorating the house and going shopping for gifts, become dreadful. But even at this time of year, it's the everydayness of everyday that's still the hardest for me. It's going through the morning without a, "I hope you have a good day" text from her. It's missing the way she would laugh when she'd get really tickled about something, or even the way she would refuse to laugh, even when something really was actually funny, just to prove a point. It's not having her around to watch movies with on the weekends. It's every moment of every day that I still remember she's gone.
Sometimes I look back on the year and wonder how I survived, how my siblings survived. And I remember waking up some days thinking that we wouldn't. Yet through her absence over these last seven months, and even through the holidays, God has shown me much about who He really is.
I had a conversation about Heaven with my older brother about four and a half weeks before Mom died. David, who is the wisest Bible scholar I know, was telling me some of his views on what will take place when all is said and done and we stand before King Jesus, and I just remember crying. When he asked what was wrong with me, I simply said, "It's just too good. He is too good." I had no idea what could come in the following months, or how fully I would come to question that statement.
Though the journey has often felt unbearable, God has shown me his great faithfulness. He's shown me that even through days of doubt, He is still the same God that caused me to cry out of His goodness. He's shown me how to survive with Him, when I felt like I had nothing else. He's shown me that He still holds firmly onto me, even when I let go of Him. He's shown me that He's still too good, because He's still the God who's saved me. He's still the God who will come back for me, and rescue me from the sorrows of this earth. He's still the God who will declare me justified when I stand before Him. And He's still the God that will bring my family together again to reign with Him in the end when He's the king of this earth. He is still too good.
I don't know what happens next. I don't now how to get through Christmas, New Years, and every other day. I don't know how to look ahead to 2014 and not wonder what I might lose. I don't know if I'll ever go through a full day where there isn't an actual, physical aching in my chest because I miss my mom that much.
But I do know that in whatever lies ahead, God will show Himself faithful and powerful, just as He has done these last months. I do know that when some days seem so much harder than others, He will carry me through each moment that I can't get through myself. I do know that when the story ends and my God proves victorious over the pain and sorrows of this life, I will stand before Him and say, "You are still too good."

Let Me Try Again...

As soon as I published my post last night, I could feel my heart drop. I knew it wasn't what I wanted it to be, and I just wanted to delete it. Not because there was really anything wrong with it, I didn't say anything I didn't want to say. It was more that I left so much unsaid. It's not enough to communicate that today will be hard and that I will miss my mom. I believe it is important to communicate the depth with which she will be missed.
But how can I do that? What words could I use that would ever be enough? It's not simply that I miss her and that it makes me sad; it's the fact that even moments that should be filled with nothing but joy are reminders of the fact that she's not here, and she never will be again. It's the fact that as much as I will miss her today, it's not my day, and I will have to watch my sister long for her presence even more. It's the fact that it's not just today that will be hard, but every day that lies ahead of us will be tinged with her absence. The fact that she will miss the birth of two new grandchildren, and that my sister and sister-in-law won't simply get to focus on the joy of bringing new life into the world, because they will have to miss her, too.
It's the fact that in the coming days, our family will have to endure the loss of another loved one - the fourth death in the family for my siblings and me this year alone. And it's also the fact that we won't simply be allowed to grieve that loss, because we will still be grieving the loss of Mom. That we will have to see my grandma lose her husband and know that, though she will still be well taken care of, she will miss out on letting my mom take care of her. That we will look in the kitchen knowing that she should be in there, cooking or cleaning up or talking to and encouraging her sisters and mother-in-law, but she won't be there. It won't be just one loss; it will be the loss of her all over again.
Everyday seems to bring reminders that cause us to come to terms, again, with the fact that she's no longer here. Those are hard enough, But it's the big days, like today, that the loss can seem unbearable. But these are also the days that God steps in and reminds that, though Mom is not here, He is. He has not left us alone. He has carried us through days that we didn't think we could survive, and He will continue to do so.
After I wrote my post last night, my grandma Prairie sent me this reminder: "Loss of a loved one is so dreadfully painful, it is no wonder that some people literally die with a broken heart. No, life is not fair here on earth, but it IS in heaven and He will make it up to us then for eternity." It's just like her to encourage others when she is going through so much herself. But she's right; this isn't all there is. This pain isn't forever. And I trust that God will show Himself more glorious in these pain-seared days until He can show us His full glory, for all eternity.

Dear Mom (3)

Dear Mom,
Tomorrow is a big day. At 9:15 tomorrow morning, I'm going with Sarah to an ultrasound to find out what her baby is, and I'll be missing you more than ever. If anyone should be able to go with her, it should be you. I've never known anyone to love as deeply as you loved your grandchildren. You should get to be one of the first to know the sex of the baby. You should get to be a part of the baby's birth. You should get to be a part of the baby's life. And the baby should get to have you in its life.
This is such a joyous time - our family is anticipating two new lives entering our world next spring. But the joy is not without pain. As we realize that life goes on in the birth of these babies, we can't help but remember how your life was seemingly ripped from us, how much we miss you, and how much we still need you.
We need you to love our babies. We need you to take care of them. We need you to take care of us.
We found out last week that Grandpa Prairie is nearing his last days. This would have been a great loss no matter when it happened, but now, as we draw closer to the end of his days on this earth, it feels impossible to have to endure another loss - especially without you. You were always the glue that held us all together. You were always there to take care of everyone, however they needed you. And I just don't know how we're going to do this without you.
But I have to trust that we will. That God is not going to leave us alone in any of this. That He will provide your grandchildren with someone to love them as you would. That He will show us how to take care of each other, in times of blessing and in times of loss.
I've got to stop thinking that you should be here, as if you're missing out on something. You're not. Your death was our loss, but it was your gain. You're not missing anything.
We will miss you tomorrow. We will miss you as we say goodbye to Grandpa, and as we say hello to Sarah and Brandi's babies. And we will miss you everyday in between. But God will give us what we need, just as he has thus far.

Gideon Diaries

It's no secret that I recently got a dog. Pictures and anecdotes of Gideon have taken over social media the last two months he's been with me. He's a delight, really, but anyone interested on taking on a 3 pound Pomeranian might be in for more than they bargained for. So here are some helpful tips from my experience:


1. Try not to go anywhere. Ever. Because when you come back he will be mad at you for "abandoning" him and he will poop in your house.
2. Do not give him human food. Ever. Because when you do, he will get diarrhea and he will poop in your house.
3. Try not to take him outside when it's possible that other people in the neighborhood will be outside. If he sees another person or, God forbid, another animal or, even worse, another person walking another animal, he will have a meltdown and will not poop outside. He will wait until you take him in, and then, he will poop in your house.
4. If you have a window low enough to the floor that your dog with 4 inch long legs can look out of it, try to keep it completely covered (with something the dog can't chew through... like some kind of metal), because if he sees someone, or thinks he sees someone, walking past the house, he will have a meltdown. And he just might poop in your house.
5. Try not to keep anything in his reach. I mean, anything. As I type this sentence, Gideon is barking at/trying to attack the rug by the front door. I also have a hole in one of the throw pillows on the couch, bite marks all over my hands, and I recently caught him trying to chew on the wall. This is not a joke. Don't let him near anything.
6. Don't bother trying to buy him toys thinking it will distract from the things you don't want him chewing on. He'll have no interest in anything he's actually allowed to play with. Save your money for new couch pillows or band-aids.
7. Make sure every door to every room is closed before you let him free in the house. It's never fun to find shreds of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor when you need to use it.
8. Speaking of the bathroom, when you need to go, make sure you outrun him and close the door before he can catch up to you. It's a little uncomfortable to have a dog's paws resting on your knees while you're trying to pee.
9. Don't feed your dog treats, even as a reward when he does something right. Because it will soon turn into, "Oh, you haven't barked in 5 seconds, here's a treat!" or "You haven't pooped in the house today, here's a treat!" And then, before you know it, it's become, "Oh my word, please stop chewing on my hands... just go have a treat!!!" And then he'll stop eating his dog food and only ever want to eat treats.
10. Don't talk on the phone to anyone. Or invite anyone over. Obviously if you aren't giving your dog 100% of your attention at all times, it means you don't love him. So he will find a way to get your attention, like by pooping in the house.


You may have read this post in a sarcastic tone, but that was a mistake. Unfortunately, all of these thoughts have legitimately gone through my had since I brought Gideon home. Don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but sometimes I want to put him in a box and mail him back to my cousin in Michigan (who somehow  forgot to tell me all of the tips I've passed on to you when she gave him to me...  hmm...).  

I've been thinking a lot about Heaven...

I've been thinking a lot about Heaven. I've written on the subject before; it seems as though it's been at the forefront of my mind all year, and even more so since Mom died. It just feels like home.
I talk about it a lot, though not nearly as much as I think about it, for fear that those listening will find me morbidly preoccupied with death. In actuality, it is not death with which my thoughts are consumed - it's Heaven. However, if death is the road I must take to get there, that does not frighten me.
Recently, Heaven stopped being an idea and became a real place to me. It is not a state of mind which I will enter after death, but a physical space where actual beings exist. I have never believed that more strongly than I do now. I find myself longing for that place quite frequently. As I said before, it just feels like home.
There were days after Mom died that I didn't think I would survive. There were moments that the pain was so intense that I had trouble breathing. I would go to bed at night and beg Jesus to come back for us. When I would wake up in my bed the next morning, I remember saying to myself, "You just have to survive today. You can worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. You just have to make it through today. And maybe Jesus will come back before tomorrow."
It's almost as if I've felt entitled to enter Heaven now. I've told many friends that I feel old. They usually laugh it off and remind me of how young I am. At 24 years, I know that I am not actually old, but I feel it. I've lived a long life, and it has taken its toll on me. But while it is good and Biblical that my heart longs for the pains of this world to end and be replaced with the unending joys of Heaven, it is not right for me to feel as though I may enter Heaven at my demand just because this life has come with trials.
It's hard to think of wanting to be in Heaven as a bad thing, but it is problematic when the desire for Heaven becomes a distraction from the work believers are called to do on this earth. This is exactly what has happened. I became somewhat hard and bitter since my mom's death. I often felt as though I'd been wronged by God because He took her, and I used my grief as an excuse to live in a less than holy manner. I didn't go to church for several weeks after she died. I had a hard time praying and reading Scripture, because I knew what God had to say to me and I didn't feel ready to hear it. I knew the truth, and I knew I wanted to turn back to it eventually, but unless He was going to do what I wanted Him to do, I just didn't want to hear from Him for a while. I was hurt, and I wanted Him to know it.
I was only hurting myself more, of course. As if God was going to give in to complaints so that He could move on to accomplishing His plans. I was missing the miracle of why my parents are in Heaven, and why I'll be allowed to join them someday. I'd lost the joy of my salvation.
But God, in His goodness, helped me find it. The truth is, no matter how I feel, I have been saved, and my salvation is a miracle. It is God's grace that has made me a citizen of Heaven, and I should always, always be humbled by that fact. One day, I will go home; just maybe not in my preferred time frame.
God still has me on this earth - a fact for which I must be thankful, for it is an honor to know that He will trust me with doing His work for a while longer. If I spend this lifetime wishing I was in the next, I will have wasted the time He's given me. However, there is a way to be satisfied in this life and to hasten the coming of the next. Christ has saved me for a specific purpose - to let others know about the salvation He offers. The more people who know Him, the closer we are to Heaven.
I will experience pain in this world, because it is not Heaven, but I am still responsible to live in a way that reflects my salvation. I am still responsible to praise God for the life He has given me. Because until I make it to Heaven, nothing else on this earth will satisfy.

Dear Mom (2)

I miss you so much more than I know how to say. I miss you every minute of every day. It's as if a part of my own self has died with you. 

The pain has been constant, and is often overwhelming. I find myself fighting tears several times a day. I find myself wanting to talk about you every chance I get. I find myself wanting to talk to you. I pick up my phone and expect a text from you. I pick up my phone to call you. I feel as if I lose you all over again when I realize I can't talk to you.

I don't hide my struggles well. I feel sorry for myself most of the time. I feel sorry for David, Sarah, and Josh, too. I feel sorry for Judah, Asher, and Selah. They should have you here with them. 

You were so good to all of us. Our lives will always have a void where you belong. And it will never feel real that you are gone. 

I love you so much; every day I realize just how much. I realize I didn't love you enough while you were here, and I would do anything to be able to let you know now what you mean to me. 

I wish you were here, selfishly.  I now dread future events that I should look forward to. Wedding days, births, and other milestones seem like just another mountain I'll have to climb without you.  

But I trust that you are where you should be. I trust that you are Home. I trust that you are happy and perfect. I trust that you are serving Jesus alongside Dad and the other saints. And that's what gets me through. That and the knowledge that one day I will join you.

I hope that day is soon.