Why It's Hard to Write These Days...

One of my goals for the year was to be more disciplined in my writing. My purpose in making this goal was to write more frequently and on a wider variety of topics. Well, we're two months into 2014 and this is my first post this year. And guess what I'm going to write about...

I would have thought that by this time. things would be different. I would have thought that in the nine months since Mom's death my feelings would be different, and maybe I'd have a hard time writing because those feelings would be hard to put into words; but in actuality, the opposite is true. In actuality, I have a hard time writing because my feelings are the same, and it's hard to find new words with which to describe them. In actuality, I dread writing another blog concerning my grieving process, but what else is there to write about? I realize that life around me is going on - seasons are changing, friends are getting married, new lives are being born. Yet I also realize that life is going on without her, and with that realization comes a flood of grief that is just as fresh as the day that she left this life. 

Soon after Mom's passing, someone told me, "You never really stop grieving, you just change the way you do it over time." I know that this is true, as I have experienced it in the past. But everything I know about grief has been different with this experience. No other event in my lifetime has been so crippling, so heart-wrenching, so life-changingly painful as the loss of my mother. No other event has affected my every single day life the way that her death has. No other event has taken so much time to change the way I grieve. With each new day comes new experiences I wish I could share with my mom, and that never feels any less painful.

This is why it's hard to write. I hate to be redundant. I hate to draw attention to an event that happened so many months ago. But I guess that's my point - it didn't just happen so many months ago, it's still happening for me. So for now, I will keep saying what I've been saying all along: life is hard, but God is good.