I couldn't skip yesterday, the one year anniversary of Mom's surgery. I couldn't skip the feelings that came with that. The memories of the relief in "knowing" she was going to be OK, in thinking that the worst was over.
I can't skip today. I can't avoid the heartache in knowing that it's been an entire year since I've seen my mom alive. I can't help but remember the excitement I felt on this day last year as my sister and I prepared for Mom's homecoming by cleaning the house and planting flowers in the front yard. I can't stop the tears as I think about my last encounter with my mom. The way it felt when she held me as I cried at the thought of leaving her alone in the ICU for one more night. The gift of her last words to me - "I'm so proud of you."
And I won't be able to skip tomorrow, either. The horrific pain I felt as I realized she was actually gone. The way I felt she'd been ripped from our lives. The way I wanted to scream for her to come back. The way David hugged me after the nurse gave us the news as I told him that I didn't know what to do. The I sometimes still feel as though I don't know what to do.
I just can't escape any of it. I have to survive these days. I have to endure these feelings. And I know I will; I've done it before. God always seems to carry me through them.
There have been many days in the last year that I didn't recognize that's what he was doing. Weeks when I didn't feel his presence. Months that I didn't believe that we was still kind and good. But thankfully, God's kindness and goodness don't depend on my belief in them. Thankfully, he is a patient God. He knows my frame - he remembers that I am dust (Ps. 103). And though I may feel alone in my pain these next few days, though I may forget his kindess and his goodness (and I pray I don't!), he will carry me through nonetheless.
I can't skip these days, as much as I think I'd like to. But I can use them as a time to look for God's presence. To praise him for bringing me this far; for not giving up on me this last year. And to look ahead with grateful anticipation toward days that I would never want to skip. To a time that I will be reunited with my family in the presence of our God, with no memories of the days I wanted to skip.
